The point i am at in my life i never leave anything to chance and neither do i believe in coincidences. Today in particular i have been drawn to specific videos and podcasts all with the same thing in common. Discovering/ in my case rediscovering my identity. The one that stood out the most for me was of ( i forget his name) who decided against going to college and later chasing a job on wall street to joining a monastery where he lived a live of selflessness, service and detachment from the world as we know it. He came to this decision when he interacted with a monk that spoke with such grace and exuded a certain peace that the young man could not understand. The monks lifestyle peaked his curiosity. He visited a monastery and found 500 other men that had the same believe and outlook on life as the monk he had met. He was sold and joined.
He said at the point of joining he was constantly seeking his parents approval, had been trouble at school, was indulging in drugs and everything else a delinquent would be. He then felt a hunger to discover his purpose. From his experience at the monastery he discovered that we find purpose by serving others above yourself. We are held captive to the expectations of others or what we think are their expectations of us. A quote from Charles Cooley stood out for him.
This resonated with me. For years on end i have believed myself to be lost in translation, some have called m an enigma because twy expect me to be one way from their drawn up conclusions and have found me to be another( this often swings whichever way) and i have often found myself compromising to make others more comfortable, more secure or more confident by me dumbing down, holding my tongue and subduing my strong personality. This has always left me feeling lost, searching for more and even compromising my core values and beliefs.
It got me thinking, is it that i am an enigma or am i merely caught between the 4 personal paradigms: Integrity, achievement, Duty and fear. This provided me with more clarity than i have had in years. It reminded me of the quote.... She remembered who she was and the game changed.
Dear Lord, teach me to be unapologetically me and help me fulfill the purpose for which i am on this earth.
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