I am the art.....not the artist

I have been told in the past that i have an inflated sense of self worth ( i still don't see how that is a bad thing) but little do they know that that which can sometimes be a facade is from years of masking self doubt. It reminds me of a meme i shared with a girlfriend who has an equally inflated sense of self and in it one girl tells  another ' excuse me , you're blocking my view, to which the one that was told replies' i am the view'.

Growing up i was often told i couldn't do one thing or another for different reasons. At age 11 i was told i could not own a bike because i was a girl(insert emoji of widened eyes). I was so distraught cos i thought that girls that ride were the coolest ever.( my perverted mind just drifted abit, but i am back). I shared this with my younger brother, my baby, and he told me not to worry, he would teach me using his.Today i proudly wear a scar on my upper right leg from my first lesson and i am the only one of my sisters that can ride. can you smell my pride from over there?

Fast forward to my first year of employment. It was in a bank. The thought of strutting in pencil tight skirts and sky high heels excited me more at the time than the actual position i was given to fill and best believe the skirts were tight, dresses customized to fit and heels sky high.
This one day, a lady walks up to my till and recognizes my name from my signature( very cool signature i must add. let me insert for dramatic effect)

PS i text and write exactly as i speak so you can visualize and audiolize( is that even a word) as you read.
where ws i? so yes, this lady reads my name off of my signature and asks if i share a name with my dad to which i respond in the affirmative. He happened to be one of the heads of the institution for which she worked. She looked at me goggle eyed and asked me why i bother to work because i clearly do not need to ( her insinuation was that i was a trust fund baby that had absolutely no reason to be toiling away). I smiled and wished her the best for the rest of her day. This just like the bicycle incident it ignited a hunger in me so strong that i decided to defy all odds. I was going to be the best i could at everything i did and climb that career ladder in the shortest time possible and i did just that....sadly i got derailed years later but i am proven my point to myself at least. I will not allow myself to be confined to the limits set by others for me.

Fast forward again, at 23 i started my first business. Anyone that knows me knows that i love to shop and i will find any excuse to justify the habit. Either retail therapy or 'just because it's tuesday'. It used to be so bad that i would have one item in 4 different colors. I am older...and broker now so i cant afford to...or can i?( naughty side eye). In the bank we always had ladies coming through to deliver online orders( yes it started way back kids). This was a bank with an 80:20 female to male ratio so we were quite a number and those were daily transactions. It got me thinking. I love to shop, i know what looks good on different types and i can get paid for this.....Eureka! and so, Bhuti was born. A retail clothing business. It was mobile hence Bhuti because it was in the boot of my car. I convinced my clients who comprised of the female bank staff and later customers that i was selling not just clothes but an experience. I laugh at how far back my marketing skills were horned. It worked with an insane ROI. I had turned my passion into profit. To think that years later i am being taught this in class that i executed in my earlier life.

This one day, i get to talking to an uncle of mine. I was intrigued by the bouncing castle business. it was new to the Ugandan Market and there was such a fad around it. Every party had to have a bouncing castle and not only did he not think the business was profitable, he didn't think that i was cut out for it. It was alot of work , needed one to be fully invested and on the ground. Light bulb moment. Challenge had been accepted. At 25 i used all my savings and borrowed some and ordered for not 1 but 3 bouncing castles from the UK. That was a true definition of faith. i tracked them online till they arrived and were delivered to my dads house where i lived at the time. Baby Amor was born. I worked in the bank Monday to Saturday afternoon as a branch operations manager and custodian of the vault keys which meant i was always the last one to live then delivered , setup and manned the bouncing castles on the weekends. We got to a point of being booked weekends on end. I was constantly exhausted but i loved it, the money was good and i was defying the odds. They said she couldn't so she did.

I was young and fired up. For those that see some passion and hunger left in me, that was the genesis. I say some because it's not what it used to be but this mind is at work. You will hear about me.

Adios mis amores

Enigma.... or conflict of Paradigms

The point i am at in my life i never leave anything to chance and neither do i believe in coincidences. Today in particular i have been drawn to specific videos and podcasts all with the same thing in common. Discovering/ in my case rediscovering my identity. The one that stood out the most for me was of ( i forget his name) who decided against going to college and later chasing a job on wall street to joining a monastery where he lived a live of selflessness, service and detachment from the world as we know it. He came to this decision when he interacted with a monk that spoke with such grace and exuded a certain peace that the young man could not understand. The monks lifestyle peaked his curiosity. He visited a monastery and found 500 other men that had the same believe and outlook on life as the monk he had met. He was sold and joined.

He said at the point of joining he was constantly seeking his parents approval, had been trouble at school, was indulging in drugs and everything else a delinquent would be. He then felt a hunger to discover his purpose. From his experience at the monastery he discovered that we find purpose by serving others above yourself. We are held captive to the expectations of others or what we think are their expectations of us. A quote from Charles Cooley stood out for him.

This resonated with me. For years on end i have believed myself to be lost in translation, some have called m an enigma because twy expect me to be one way from their drawn up conclusions and have found me to be another( this often swings whichever way) and i have often found myself compromising to make others more comfortable, more secure or more confident by me dumbing down, holding my tongue and subduing my strong personality. This has always left me feeling lost, searching for more and even compromising my core values and beliefs.

It got me thinking, is it that i am an enigma or am i merely caught between the 4 personal paradigms: Integrity, achievement, Duty and fear. This provided me with more clarity than i have had in years. It reminded me of the quote.... She remembered who she was and the game changed.

Dear Lord, teach me to be unapologetically me and help me fulfill the purpose for which i am on this earth.

On christ the solid rock i stand

I am living testament of His mercies being new every morning. HE is not man that HE should lie or hold a grudge. By mortal standards i am irredeemable but i am thankful for grace and mercy.

Leonard Ravenhill said ' One that has encountered God cannot be at the mercy of a man with argument'. I believe that i have encountered God on many occasions amidst tears, laugheter, Joy and heartache. The kind of encounters i cannot sufficiently articulate for another comprehend the intensity and tangibility of my experience

I once felt heartache so deep that i felt the physical pain of it. When you break down so bad that the sobbing cannot let you utter a word of prayer except Lord hold me and in that moment you feel the warmth, an embrace in a room that has no one but yourself yet you know you are far from alone. I know God and HE knows me by name.

I have come to know Christ on a level so personal that His nature reveals itself to me in the most appropriate of times. In the recent of times i have put him to the test even with the most trivial of things that one can ask of their maker and HE never is short of amazing and humourous too.

During this lockdown period i have nmissed our car drive conversations. Yes it takes two and more to conversate but believe you me HE speaks to me not in the conventional way but still HE does speak. This same period also taught me that i don't have to restrict said interactions to the car.

.....to be continued.

Back like i never left

Where to begin.....
Its been awhile and not until today did i miss the urge to return to this my safe place, my haven. While away i lost myself on a journey to find my true authentic self. Whatever the latter means, the quest continues.Funny that i was the most confident, sharp tongued loud mouthed 30 year old going on 22. So full of life and optimism. Its been a journey, a myriad of experiences many bitter sweet. The naive child at heart i was quickly got the rug pulled from under her feet to land onto the bumpy road that is adulthood. Many i wouldn't take back, others i would. Sometimes the person staring back at me in the mirror is someone i knew years ago.

It hasn't been all bad. Along the way i learnt what true friendship is, often coming with bouts of tears, anger and rage but on most days laughter and endless conversations that kept me going.

True to the cliche, i have loved and lost, lived and parts of me have died but i rise everyday to face the world that is. As i type remind me to forget Kygo and Miguel is blaring through my ears.Every lyric of it resonates with me. I am here and i am back.

I will be seeing you soon.

Loyalty under8ted

Even after 30 years of existance 27 of which were cognitive, everyday on this earth is a lesson. Once upon my naivety, i let my guard down and thought that keeping my circles separate would gimme a cushion. Again the rug was pulled from under my feet. As i always say, pick the lessons and keep it moving. Older and wiser each new day and see things for what they are.....loyalty under8ted

MOOD

Into the Unknown
Blackchords

I see this life through the eyes of others
And on, on this night
I will bide my time

And move with these eyes, live a life
Untouched by time
I'll be waiting in the wings
I'll be here when you arrive

On your final days, they will come
Like a child you'll walk into the unknown
On your final days, when they come
Like a child you'll walk into the unknown

When you cross the line
Live a life untouched by time
On this rock its only just a glitch
And this state is only just a blink

I see this life through the eyes of others

Broken clock

Time is standing still and i have failed to wind the clock. Time is supposed to heal but instead stabs me harder. Every new day seems like the continuation of the previous and not the blank canvas i wish it to be. How does pain stay static. If it gets worse to get better i wish the worst cos then the healing would fasten but no.

Months have gone by but tell that to my heart. I never live a life of regret but this i cant help but do. To wear one's heart on their sleeve is weakness but then again atleast it shows that i have one. Today i take a step to get closure, to let the ashes spread over the water and accept the cards laid before me.

My heart is yours to keep.